Tag: music

Quittance

Posted on by Allyson

This song was written about two years ago when I had to terminate with my long time therapist. I grieved. The video is almost as old and I hadn’t wanted to share until now.

Lyrics:

The only one willing to reach.
To speak when I could not breathe.
Through the past, through the pain.
Through nevers and need.
The only one willing to reach for me.

I’m sorry I lingered so long.
Between on the mend and something else wrong.
It’s under my skin. This unwelcome end.
Sick with shame to return where I’ve been.

But oh so still for the moment.
To say and not believe I’m well.
This sore bones, nightmare flavored rest.
This beaten silly kind of blessed,

Is under my skin, urging violence.
My own turn. Can’t I let go?
For as far as I’ve come – for however healed –
Alive as I am is not home.
Can’t I let go?

Another loss. I blame myself.
Grieving the loss. Hating what’s left.
No one stays is all we know.
My own turn. I’m letting go.
I’m letting go. I’m letting go.
All I know. Alive as I am is not home.
My own turn. I let go.
I let go. I let go.

What Stays Is Real

Posted on by Allyson

Another little song. Recorded last year sometime before things in life went really off. It’s a poem I wrote thinking about what actually does stick around when people and beliefs leave us. What abandonment can turn us into.

The arctic edge I am called.
You rid me of my heart
And the memories always hand me over to the dark.
Since I taste better treated like dirt.
So much easier doubting my own worth.
In the alternate yes is my other self
Solely, willing, seeking death.

Rid of all reasons, hurt to the end.
Positions the blade and lays down her head.
Life is disturbance no others outdo
And nothing so honest survives the truth.
No one makes it through.

Some version of mercy reveals your grace.
What stays is real and dies unchanged.
Quiet the voice. We forget every face.
What stays is real and remains.

Void Of All Hope

Posted on by Allyson

If you’ve been in this space before, you get it. “The heaven you thought up is wasted. The purpose is suffer and die.” I recorded this October of last year. Not as hopeless presently, but it comes and goes and I never forget.

Lyrics:

Silver needle to the eyes.
See it better when you’re blind.
This life like a penny at the bottom of a drawer.
Forgettable worth of which we don’t need more.

Just the idea of heartbeat –
Another living thing that breathes.
And what it needs goes far beyond
what good pretends to be.

And I promise you no one will make it.
I promise you no one is right.
The heaven you thought up is wasted.
The purpose is suffer and die.

What taught you to smother your light?
To protect the lies at your ear?
How to injure to quiet these cries?
Survival of nothing but fear.

And however else could you stay?
However else are you here?
This sorry excuse will call itself brave
with the void of all hope ever near.

And I promise you no one will make it.
I promise you no one is right.
The heaven you thought up is wasted.
The purpose…

I promise you no one will make it.
I promise you no one is right.
The heaven you thought up is wasted.
The purpose is suffer and die.
The purpose is suffer and die.

Like Its Deserved – NPR Tiny Desk 2026

Posted on by Allyson

My first for the contest with acoustic guitar. Not perfect but I needed to share it. The video was recorded last year before life got so chaotic. I want to return to songwriting the way I did before 2025 happened. Lyrics :

Ever mindful of the ache. A feeling as a fact.
When you say tolerate this getting nowhere fast.
And it hurts like its deserved.
Like death to all you are and ever were, ever were.

What can I do? Where can I go
Beyond this breath – this blood and bone?
Never worth it. Not my turn.
No one willing. Loveless learned.

And it hurts like its deserved.
Given losing lost my nerve.

Why stay for the end? For better never born?
Survival of moments. Life is nothing more.
Why stay for the end? Failure fills up to pour.
Survival of moments. Life is nothing more.

And it hurts like nothing worse.
Like death to all you are and ever were, ever were.
It always hurts.
Always hurts.
It always hurts.
And always deserved.
Always deserved.

Wandering

Posted on by Allyson

During a session I spoke about how I’ve felt like I’ve been flying above searching for a safe place to land. And as I grow tired, I’ll eventually drop from the sky to my death. This vision is what the lyrics are about. The piano arrangement came first and I sat it aside about 5 years until I finally worked it out with vocals.

I took flight a lifetime ago.
Through storm after storm and the impossible
With no question of my strength.
Survival I can’t shake, ever searching for home.

And if I reach, it will not be as I hoped.
And I will be no less here alone

Wandering loss of time.
Fail me, my wings may as well let me fall from the sky
As dim and dying light.
I only ever had the heart to try.

And if I reach, it will not be as I hoped
And I will be no less here alone.
I took flight a lifetime ago
Ever searching and searching for home.
I took flight a lifetime ago.
Ever searching for home.

Devil Given Wish – Piano / Voice

Posted on by Allyson

I recorded this back in early winter. The song sums up how it’s been carrying myself through this suicidal burnout hoping for “things to get better”. When who you really are is so incongruent with the role you play in this reality…I’ve learned a greater depth I’m pulling myself out of.

Do a sweep. World to the trash.
Light it up. The fun we’ve had.
All the work never done, be proud.
The rise of flames in the pit breathe loud.

I am mistaken as something good.
Advantage I’d take if I could,
Or wanted any life beyond.
But I am in the grave – a deep, dark way.
Whatever you hope I am is out of place.

And all the fear in mind dismissed.
Don’t ask me to try again.
I will not give. I won’t go back.
I will not wait and I won’t ask.

Burned out and far past daydream final acts.
Far beyond efforts to fit where I don’t match.
No and the upset is all the life I’ve ever had.
The years left settle like dregs of the past.
Like cold tears in cold blood until the unforgiving last.

I swear it doesn’t matter. My blade given bliss.
Familiar won’t remember. Tomorrow will not miss.
I swear it doesn’t matter. The heart I rend to bits
And scatter to hell forever more. Devil given wish.

Tomorrow will not miss.

The Loss of You

Posted on by Allyson

The Loss of You – Last vocal track from the new album. This video I held onto for nearly 3yrs. The fear of losing and constant grief we carry wears you out. But the word “temporary” has been in mind a lot these days. Helps lessen the weight of my heavy sighs and exhaustion. I don’t have to be strong forever.

Lyrics :

Early on I felt the hours.
I knew what they would do.
Trade these years that separate.
All mine for yours – for you.

A this for that revealing my power to choose
Death over enduring what I fear to lose.

Can’t you stay? I beg.
What prayer would it take? I beg.
I want nothing more than you
Held in my strength again.
But I break, in quiet grief. Sick with unease.
There’s no convincing my way through
Enduring the loss of you.

Another night in heavy gloom.
Is there nothing more I can do?
Another night of heart felt doom.
Is there nothing I can do?
No convincing my way through
The loss of you.
No convincing my way through
The loss of you.

Best You Can Do – NPR Tiny Desk 2025

Posted on by Allyson

My entry for the NRP Tiny Desk contest this year. While writing, I thought about how it never seems to be the “right time” to implement solutions to problems, societal or personal. Being without courage to try at solutions, even if it fails, I think can do even greater harm. My feelings found a place in this song. Lyrics below – Youtube video link

Weight of an ocean I carry by the neck.
All the human moments I collect.
A prayer full of grief to the god of all gods.
Show me why you bothered.
Our purpose long lost.

Meaningful mistake, be the faith of a life.
Distract the emptiness piercing inside.
I know it’s our way – everything just survives.
Taking up space – getting born to die.
With no aversion, as life is loss.
Numb to the ruin our sacrifice cost.
Is it all instinct or suffering we choose?
Insisting you are exception to the rule.

As disengaged. As cold and cruel.
Selfish wants are the best you can do.
Lean into it. Laugh out loud.
Like the wall of a grave hold safe and sound,
The time for truth is never now.
Is never courage ever found?

Lean into it. Laugh out loud.
The time for truth is never now.
Like the walls of a grave hold safe and sound,
The time for truth is never now.

New Album – The Taken Life

Posted on by Allyson

What is it like to grieve the better person you were and may have become? These songs were written while navigating a very difficult transition with much loss. I was changed in ways I wish I hadn’t been. This album is the sound of a soul healing with unsightly scars, but healing nonetheless.

Bandcamp: https://allysonmarie.bandcamp.com/album/the-taken-life

Spotify : https://open.spotify.com/album/2Z2N5lC0L8bolkH7lAKDvK?si=clftE_6FS_S–ncBTiEtgg

Song Release -Possession

Posted on by Allyson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Original song mixed / mastered. My favorite from the next album of songs and so fitting for my current state and times.

Lyrics

Before stepping off the ledge,
Screams every moment was hell.
“Never give up!” didn’t save this one
If so little were enough.

The sordid goodwill of the rest.
Forget what better angel says.
Take ownership of the cruel intent.
You favor leaving all for dead.

Yes, we take what we can get.
No spill of blood carries regret.
Go too far – over your head,
But keep going. Devil knows best.
Possession – a wish for death.
Far better fit than human.
Deeper go cuts than bruises.
A use given to useless.

The sordid goodwill of the rest.
Forget what better angel says.
Take ownership of the cruel intent.
You favor leaving all for dead.

Before stepping off the ledge,
You scream every moment was hell.
“Never give up!” didn’t save this one.
So little is never enough.

The sordid goodwill of the rest.
Forget what better angel says.
Take ownership of the cruel intent.
You favor leaving all for dead.

Before stepping off the ledge,
Screams every moment was hell.
“Never give up!” didn’t save this one
So little is never enough.