Art, Photos, Music, some thoughts…
Sunrise photo taken one morning walking a park trail.
I’ll be starting my 4th week on a new job tomorrow. I just got access to start doing actual work this past Friday, but I’ve gotten a taste of how my days moving forward will go. I’m cautious about envisioning a far future working this job, because of my recent history. Hoping the pattern doesn’t repeat itself. I hope I’ve changed enough to make sure it doesn’t.
I shot photos of these as they were drying and like how the glistening of the water shows up.
The past few weeks have been a challenge. On-boarding for a new job and the process was hell (forcing me to track down high school transcripts despite my diploma which took weeks among other things). I’m not sure the company is right for me now, but if I can start this week as scheduled and see how it actually is, I’ll probably feel better in trying to stick it out. I hope so. Job searching has been soul crushing and not in the best interest of my recovery. The less time I need to give it the better.
“To Save Oneself” A collage on a cardboard bust I got from an antique store maybe 10 years ago now. It’s a companion piece to the “Survival Hurts” collage from last year.
My father has died. I found out the night of my last post. I’m on bereavement leave right now, not looking forward to going back to work of any kind. Some family has reached out. With others, we’re out of sight-out of mind. No matter who is there though, this feels very lonely. I want closeness with those of us left, but our relationships are complicated. It doesn’t matter, but still does.
During a session I spoke about how I’ve felt like I’ve been flying above searching for a safe place to land. And as I grow tired, I’ll eventually drop from the sky to my death. This vision is what the lyrics are about. The piano arrangement came first and I sat it aside about 5 years until I finally worked it out with vocals.
I took flight a lifetime ago.
Through storm after storm and the impossible
With no question of my strength.
Survival I can’t shake, ever searching for home.
And if I reach, it will not be as I hoped.
And I will be no less here alone
Wandering loss of time.
Fail me, my wings may as well let me fall from the sky
As dim and dying light.
I only ever had the heart to try.
And if I reach, it will not be as I hoped
And I will be no less here alone.
I took flight a lifetime ago
Ever searching and searching for home.
I took flight a lifetime ago.
Ever searching for home.
My birthday came and went this year. It’s settled in just how much of an afterthought I am to others in this life. There has never been much of an effort to remember me. My 36th year will be for letting go, forgetting more, leaving behind what disturbs my soul too much and wrapping up my long term plans. We get tired of always needing a reason.
New watercolor paintings. I wanted to get back to using watercolor just for a change. I don’t control it well and feel clueless attempting the paint with it, but that is the point. Freehand paintings have a life of their own and I think watercolor goes well for when you don’t have a plan or want a plan. I just want feeling. Anything more, like making sense somehow, is nice too.
Acrylic on canvas. The neon paints I used don’t come across well via camera, but it really pops out on the wall I’ve put it up. I think this piece reflects well how off and out of place I feel in my current role of employment. A square can’t fit a circle. How I am is not going to be appreciated where I’ve put myself. So naturally, I’ve got to go and sooner rather than later.
Several months it’s taken for me to understand this piece after finishing it. I see something of light and glory now weakened, wounded and burning out with nothing coming to save it. Exactly where I’ve found myself. Waiting to extinguish.
“Into the woods, by the water, in the weeds.
Beneath a dark blanket of trees.
Soul is tired saving self…
Some lives here are worse than death.”
One of my trail photos. I feel welcome there most of all.
Allyson Marie Arts 