I start training on my new job next week. I’m giving it a fair shot even though so much about it I’m doubtful about my ability now that I know more of the details, but as least I will have tried.
My heart has been heavy lately. I don’t know what I’m doing here or what is in store, or why it brings so much dread to consider these questions (should be no wonder when looking at the world we live in), but I still hope for clarity and strength within to endure whatever is finally revealed for me to act upon. And it is time for action now.
This picture is the cover of a card I made for my mother some weeks back, just because I love making people cards and I love her especially.
Freehand painting on a scrap piece of brown paper bag one Sunday. I miss painting eyes and weird abstract stuff and this little piece brought some life back in me to return to what I love. I feel swamped with the amount of music I have to mix between working full time and finding spare moments to paint creatively is impossible right now. Then I ask myself what the point in bothering with any of this is anymore. I’m nobody and will always be nobody. Facts. Despite this though, it would feel like a crime to not follow through on these ideas I’ve already spent so much time on. If I still believe it’s worth those moments of attention and stress to see them through, then I have to keep going. I’m structuring a plan to tackle the mixing and final edits with the time I have and will even take off a few days to make sure it’s done right if I run into problems. And I’m excited to be able to share it all too still. Yes, there are still things to look forward to.
I took these last Saturday morning from the back yard.
My mother has a small poster with this saying on it. I made my own version, painted the background, inserted the text. It’s no good when the weight of all the things I hate having to do begin to smother out the few things I love. When the money is not good enough and recognition is weak and people are jerks because they’re better at nothing else and you put up with a few too many things you just shouldn’t have to put up with…I have to spend a decent amount of time talking myself down. It’s a real shame. Life is already short enough for us humans. It shouldn’t be this hard for one to stay.