And never will work…

41442819602_ba3885bd4a– You tell me “Let go.
God will show. Have some hope. Be grateful.”
But I know it never did and never will work.
I feel cold. I sink low.
The shadow of fear grows.
There is no way to hold without hurt.
It never was and never will be worth
one more day. –

There is no point. Why suffer the loneliness anymore when I have a chance to decide when it ends? I really want it to end.

On Your Behalf

S6308616 1b

I don’t know where the exact idea for this painting came from, but it’s a personal favorite. It has meaning to me. I’m a perfectionist and constantly want to do things in the right way, no room for mistakes. So when I inevitably fail to be “perfect”, whatever that may mean,  punishing myself for it comes to mind. Having to pay for this failure in a painful way that will leave a mark and never let me forget. I feel like my every action is being judged and if I don’t pay for the things I do wrong then even worse things will happen. Crazy right? That’s why I’ve been in therapy forever…lol

Pinned Down

This painting was freehand, acrylic and watercolor.  

Today it was painfully obvious what little still keeps me grounded, why I keep going through the motions of showing up where I’m expected and put on the right face in front of the right people. Really, what still matters to me seems like nothing more than loose change better off thrown away with the receipt. Nobody’s really hearing me. I just wish I didn’t still care.