Art, Photos, Music, some thoughts…
My father has died. I found out the night of my last post. I’m on bereavement leave right now, not looking forward to going back to work of any kind. Some family has reached out. With others, we’re out of sight-out of mind. No matter who is there though, this feels very lonely. I want closeness with those of us left, but our relationships are complicated. It doesn’t matter, but still does.
Photo taken on a walk at the trail.
I’ve had the past week off work and have accomplished much of what I wanted. Wishing I’d made it two weeks for how much I don’t want to go back, but I’m solid in the decision to leave. It may be messy but remaining in a harmful environment until the time is “just right” isn’t realistic at this point.
During a session I spoke about how I’ve felt like I’ve been flying above searching for a safe place to land. And as I grow tired, I’ll eventually drop from the sky to my death. This vision is what the lyrics are about. The piano arrangement came first and I sat it aside about 5 years until I finally worked it out with vocals.
I took flight a lifetime ago.
Through storm after storm and the impossible
With no question of my strength.
Survival I can’t shake, ever searching for home.
And if I reach, it will not be as I hoped.
And I will be no less here alone
Wandering loss of time.
Fail me, my wings may as well let me fall from the sky
As dim and dying light.
I only ever had the heart to try.
And if I reach, it will not be as I hoped
And I will be no less here alone.
I took flight a lifetime ago
Ever searching and searching for home.
I took flight a lifetime ago.
Ever searching for home.
My birthday came and went this year. It’s settled in just how much of an afterthought I am to others in this life. There has never been much of an effort to remember me. My 36th year will be for letting go, forgetting more, leaving behind what disturbs my soul too much and wrapping up my long term plans. We get tired of always needing a reason.
Paper collage. I was trying out a different layout and coloring technique. Didn’t turn out as planned, but I still like it.
A collage using coffee filter paper and washable markers. It’s 25’’x 22’’in size and took several weekends, but I’m really happy with it and love how striking it is on my wall. I’ve added a print version with customizable sizes to my shop: https://www.zazzle.com/survival_hurts_poster-256815126151224122
New watercolor paintings. I wanted to get back to using watercolor just for a change. I don’t control it well and feel clueless attempting the paint with it, but that is the point. Freehand paintings have a life of their own and I think watercolor goes well for when you don’t have a plan or want a plan. I just want feeling. Anything more, like making sense somehow, is nice too.
I recorded this back in early winter. The song sums up how it’s been carrying myself through this suicidal burnout hoping for “things to get better”. When who you really are is so incongruent with the role you play in this reality…I’ve learned a greater depth I’m pulling myself out of.
Do a sweep. World to the trash.
Light it up. The fun we’ve had.
All the work never done, be proud.
The rise of flames in the pit breathe loud.
I am mistaken as something good.
Advantage I’d take if I could,
Or wanted any life beyond.
But I am in the grave – a deep, dark way.
Whatever you hope I am is out of place.
And all the fear in mind dismissed.
Don’t ask me to try again.
I will not give. I won’t go back.
I will not wait and I won’t ask.
Burned out and far past daydream final acts.
Far beyond efforts to fit where I don’t match.
No and the upset is all the life I’ve ever had.
The years left settle like dregs of the past.
Like cold tears in cold blood until the unforgiving last.
I swear it doesn’t matter. My blade given bliss.
Familiar won’t remember. Tomorrow will not miss.
I swear it doesn’t matter. The heart I rend to bits
And scatter to hell forever more. Devil given wish.
Tomorrow will not miss.
Acrylic on canvas. The neon paints I used don’t come across well via camera, but it really pops out on the wall I’ve put it up. I think this piece reflects well how off and out of place I feel in my current role of employment. A square can’t fit a circle. How I am is not going to be appreciated where I’ve put myself. So naturally, I’ve got to go and sooner rather than later.
Several months it’s taken for me to understand this piece after finishing it. I see something of light and glory now weakened, wounded and burning out with nothing coming to save it. Exactly where I’ve found myself. Waiting to extinguish.
Allyson Marie Arts 