Art, Photos, Music, some thoughts…
New skull art I had an idea about and had to follow through. I haven’t been doing the best with my art or otherwise for the past few months. Each attempt is still forced and I’m still hoping this will ease and I can come to enjoy the messy parts about starting new projects again as I used to.
I shot photos of these as they were drying and like how the glistening of the water shows up.
The past few weeks have been a challenge. On-boarding for a new job and the process was hell (forcing me to track down high school transcripts despite my diploma which took weeks among other things). I’m not sure the company is right for me now, but if I can start this week as scheduled and see how it actually is, I’ll probably feel better in trying to stick it out. I hope so. Job searching has been soul crushing and not in the best interest of my recovery. The less time I need to give it the better.
If you’ve been in this space before, you get it. “The heaven you thought up is wasted. The purpose is suffer and die.” I recorded this October of last year. Not as hopeless presently, but it comes and goes and I never forget.
Lyrics:
Silver needle to the eyes.
See it better when you’re blind.
This life like a penny at the bottom of a drawer.
Forgettable worth of which we don’t need more.
Just the idea of heartbeat –
Another living thing that breathes.
And what it needs goes far beyond
what good pretends to be.
And I promise you no one will make it.
I promise you no one is right.
The heaven you thought up is wasted.
The purpose is suffer and die.
What taught you to smother your light?
To protect the lies at your ear?
How to injure to quiet these cries?
Survival of nothing but fear.
And however else could you stay?
However else are you here?
This sorry excuse will call itself brave
with the void of all hope ever near.
And I promise you no one will make it.
I promise you no one is right.
The heaven you thought up is wasted.
The purpose…
I promise you no one will make it.
I promise you no one is right.
The heaven you thought up is wasted.
The purpose is suffer and die.
The purpose is suffer and die.
I went off the regular trail, down to the water. Shots from here have made for some great new prints.
I’m at the beginning of medical leave from work. When death becomes the only sure rescue from what your mind endures, I’d say it’s beyond burnout. I wish I’d said something sooner, but we’re trained to minimize problems and suffer on and on no matter what. Now I don’t care what happens to me, for what I’ll miss or for what’s left unfinished. I have a long way back.
This painting was finished a few days before I learned my father died back in November. The sketch I’d thought was going in the trash, but I forced myself to follow through with it. I hope one day to understand what it means.
I recorded this back in early winter. The song sums up how it’s been carrying myself through this suicidal burnout hoping for “things to get better”. When who you really are is so incongruent with the role you play in this reality…I’ve learned a greater depth I’m pulling myself out of.
Do a sweep. World to the trash.
Light it up. The fun we’ve had.
All the work never done, be proud.
The rise of flames in the pit breathe loud.
I am mistaken as something good.
Advantage I’d take if I could,
Or wanted any life beyond.
But I am in the grave – a deep, dark way.
Whatever you hope I am is out of place.
And all the fear in mind dismissed.
Don’t ask me to try again.
I will not give. I won’t go back.
I will not wait and I won’t ask.
Burned out and far past daydream final acts.
Far beyond efforts to fit where I don’t match.
No and the upset is all the life I’ve ever had.
The years left settle like dregs of the past.
Like cold tears in cold blood until the unforgiving last.
I swear it doesn’t matter. My blade given bliss.
Familiar won’t remember. Tomorrow will not miss.
I swear it doesn’t matter. The heart I rend to bits
And scatter to hell forever more. Devil given wish.
Tomorrow will not miss.
What is it like to grieve the better person you were and may have become? These songs were written while navigating a very difficult transition with much loss. I was changed in ways I wish I hadn’t been. This album is the sound of a soul healing with unsightly scars, but healing nonetheless.
Bandcamp: https://allysonmarie.bandcamp.com/album/the-taken-life
Spotify : https://open.spotify.com/album/2Z2N5lC0L8bolkH7lAKDvK?si=clftE_6FS_S–ncBTiEtgg
Original song mixed / mastered. My favorite from the next album of songs and so fitting for my current state and times.
Lyrics
Before stepping off the ledge,
Screams every moment was hell.
“Never give up!” didn’t save this one
If so little were enough.
The sordid goodwill of the rest.
Forget what better angel says.
Take ownership of the cruel intent.
You favor leaving all for dead.
Yes, we take what we can get.
No spill of blood carries regret.
Go too far – over your head,
But keep going. Devil knows best.
Possession – a wish for death.
Far better fit than human.
Deeper go cuts than bruises.
A use given to useless.
The sordid goodwill of the rest.
Forget what better angel says.
Take ownership of the cruel intent.
You favor leaving all for dead.
Before stepping off the ledge,
You scream every moment was hell.
“Never give up!” didn’t save this one.
So little is never enough.
The sordid goodwill of the rest.
Forget what better angel says.
Take ownership of the cruel intent.
You favor leaving all for dead.
Before stepping off the ledge,
Screams every moment was hell.
“Never give up!” didn’t save this one
So little is never enough.
I wrote this song leading up to my departure from a very toxic work environment that changed me in ways I wish it hadn’t.
———–
Chose not to remember.
Won’t thank you for what you gave.
How indeed I’ve made it.
Kept myself an empty space.
Of course there is no knowing. But then again, there is.
Nothing about what I am was made for the surface.
Every breath scrapes the vessel walls, worn thin.
This unwilling arrival. The way hell was forced in.
Refuse weighing down my bones –
Voice bending bloody tones-
Quiet obedience set flames to all I know.
The sickness has grown bold.
Not about to say it’s okay, making it this far.
Not the heinous crime I needed stabbing at my heart.
Not about to say it’s settled and life is just too hard.
I implore the soul of all creation: tear this world apart.
Tear us apart.
I will not remember and never took what you gave.
How indeed I make it.
Keep myself an empty space.
A small canvas skull painting, the first completed of 2024. Last year put me through it and making it to the next with such a changed perspective is a gift I paid a high cost, but that’s that. The coward in me will be put to death at every turn this year. No more suffering.
