An early song I remember writing after a day at work years ago that left me feeling pretty hopeless. Just wanted to sing it again.
So far in my experience, when I’ve been at the lowest and let it be known, people seem to go out of their way to make it worse, as if to say go ahead and jump. So, I am grateful I don’t rely on people “saving” me from the suicidal depressions I fall into from time to time. This song is about more than just this exactly, but was an idea that sparked my writing. This video is from 2-3 months back.
I’m playing my guitar again. This is the first of two new songs. Not sure I’ll keep the title but whatever. Lyrics are below.
An awful shame to witness. Even God turns away. Lonesome soul drifting the dark, I need you to be saved. Just look how far you go. How deep the blade sinks in. Pretending you’re not lower than you’ve ever been. Where far enough is death. Where spill your veins fills up your head. So deep the blade sinks in. Lower than you’ve ever been. Take me back, I beg you. Remember this age. I have the faith your looking for. When life was not all pain. Take me back, I beg you. Remember my face. The love you were deserving of Has not and will not change. Take me back, I beg you. Remember this age. I have the faith you’re dying for. When life was not all hate. Take me back, I beg you. Remember my face I have the faith you’re dying for. Believe it’s not too late. It’s not too late.
“To know me seems an unspeakable demand.” – I wrote this while thinking about how at 31 I ended up friendless and blatantly ignored by the people I do exist around. I try to reach out and it’s always a dead end. Best thing I could do was write a song about this constant and try to ignore how it won’t change. People aren’t the reason I choose to keep living.
“Hate all you want to hate, I have the final say”… I wrote this last year as I processed a response I received about my music. Someone mistakenly assumed I had the same insecurities about my voice that they lived with and it got me thinking about all the times we have to endure unasked for critiques of our art. I don’t go around looking for people to tell them how bad I think their work is. It’s truly going out of my way to do that. If you don’t like something, I say keep it moving until you find something worth your time and comment…lol Anyway, I’m happy with this piece and the challenge it was to record performing it and I want to share.
This videos is a few months old and the song, several years old, but I wanted a better video performing it. Most of my song lyrics are reworked lines right out of my journals. Years back when I was still looking for work, my days were spent writing little songs like this at my piano to pass the time and help me keep my sanity for being alone so many hours.
So different from my other songs and I loved arranging this one for the challenge it was. Initially I was going to leave it without vocals, but I had lyrics I’d written around the end of the year that seemed to fall into place perfectly with the sound so I went with it.
Freehand painting on a scrap piece of brown paper bag one Sunday. I miss painting eyes and weird abstract stuff and this little piece brought some life back in me to return to what I love. I feel swamped with the amount of music I have to mix between working full time and finding spare moments to paint creatively is impossible right now. Then I ask myself what the point in bothering with any of this is anymore. I’m nobody and will always be nobody. Facts. Despite this though, it would feel like a crime to not follow through on these ideas I’ve already spent so much time on. If I still believe it’s worth those moments of attention and stress to see them through, then I have to keep going. I’m structuring a plan to tackle the mixing and final edits with the time I have and will even take off a few days to make sure it’s done right if I run into problems. And I’m excited to be able to share it all too still. Yes, there are still things to look forward to.
Recorded this song on a hot day back in September last year. The subject relates to the routine of how I experience the jobs I’ve had and the people I’ve seen along side me. The wearing away of the spirit in ways and how little things change or get better over time in dealing with people in charge.