Art, Photos, Music, some thoughts…
I went off the regular trail, down to the water. Shots from here have made for some great new prints.
I’m at the beginning of medical leave from work. When death becomes the only sure rescue from what your mind endures, I’d say it’s beyond burnout. I wish I’d said something sooner, but we’re trained to minimize problems and suffer on and on no matter what. Now I don’t care what happens to me, for what I’ll miss or for what’s left unfinished. I have a long way back.
This painting was finished a few days before I learned my father died back in November. The sketch I’d thought was going in the trash, but I forced myself to follow through with it. I hope one day to understand what it means.
My first for the contest with acoustic guitar. Not perfect but I needed to share it. The video was recorded last year before life got so chaotic. I want to return to songwriting the way I did before 2025 happened. Lyrics :
Ever mindful of the ache. A feeling as a fact.
When you say tolerate this getting nowhere fast.
And it hurts like its deserved.
Like death to all you are and ever were, ever were.
What can I do? Where can I go
Beyond this breath – this blood and bone?
Never worth it. Not my turn.
No one willing. Loveless learned.
And it hurts like its deserved.
Given losing lost my nerve.
Why stay for the end? For better never born?
Survival of moments. Life is nothing more.
Why stay for the end? Failure fills up to pour.
Survival of moments. Life is nothing more.
And it hurts like nothing worse.
Like death to all you are and ever were, ever were.
It always hurts.
Always hurts.
It always hurts.
And always deserved.
Always deserved.
My father has died. I found out the night of my last post. I’m on bereavement leave right now, not looking forward to going back to work of any kind. Some family has reached out. With others, we’re out of sight-out of mind. No matter who is there though, this feels very lonely. I want closeness with those of us left, but our relationships are complicated. It doesn’t matter, but still does.
Photo taken on a walk at the trail.
I’ve had the past week off work and have accomplished much of what I wanted. Wishing I’d made it two weeks for how much I don’t want to go back, but I’m solid in the decision to leave. It may be messy but remaining in a harmful environment until the time is “just right” isn’t realistic at this point.
During a session I spoke about how I’ve felt like I’ve been flying above searching for a safe place to land. And as I grow tired, I’ll eventually drop from the sky to my death. This vision is what the lyrics are about. The piano arrangement came first and I sat it aside about 5 years until I finally worked it out with vocals.
I took flight a lifetime ago.
Through storm after storm and the impossible
With no question of my strength.
Survival I can’t shake, ever searching for home.
And if I reach, it will not be as I hoped.
And I will be no less here alone
Wandering loss of time.
Fail me, my wings may as well let me fall from the sky
As dim and dying light.
I only ever had the heart to try.
And if I reach, it will not be as I hoped
And I will be no less here alone.
I took flight a lifetime ago
Ever searching and searching for home.
I took flight a lifetime ago.
Ever searching for home.
My birthday came and went this year. It’s settled in just how much of an afterthought I am to others in this life. There has never been much of an effort to remember me. My 36th year will be for letting go, forgetting more, leaving behind what disturbs my soul too much and wrapping up my long term plans. We get tired of always needing a reason.
Paper collage. I was trying out a different layout and coloring technique. Didn’t turn out as planned, but I still like it.
A collage using coffee filter paper and washable markers. It’s 25’’x 22’’in size and took several weekends, but I’m really happy with it and love how striking it is on my wall. I’ve added a print version with customizable sizes to my shop: https://www.zazzle.com/survival_hurts_poster-256815126151224122
New watercolor paintings. I wanted to get back to using watercolor just for a change. I don’t control it well and feel clueless attempting the paint with it, but that is the point. Freehand paintings have a life of their own and I think watercolor goes well for when you don’t have a plan or want a plan. I just want feeling. Anything more, like making sense somehow, is nice too.
Allyson Marie Arts 