Watching the Door

Posted on by Allyson

Abandonment and unworthiness are sometimes hard for me to describe. This song “Watching the Door” is from sitting with these feelings and how they’ve shown in my life. It looks like watching a door waiting for someone to come back and remember I’m still here, but they never return. Lyrics:

To cringe at the sound and look of a word
Is a buried, deeply secret hurt.
When love the other lost your turn
And love for oneself seems absurd.
So absurd.

Something I’ve suffered to earn-
This loss in all remaining worth,
Because if one matters there is concern.
If no matter, there’s no return.

And I was one watching the door.
I was nothing to come back for.

Forget me weighs down the worst.
Eternal cold of a spirit cursed.
Because if one matters there is concern.
If no matter, there’s no return.

And I was one watching the door
As no one to come back for.
If no matter, there’s no return.
I, no one to come back for.

Nothing I needed more.
I, no one to come back for.
If no matter, there’s no return.
I, no one to come back for.
I, no one to come back for.
I, no one to come back for.

Alone is alone.

Posted on by Allyson

I went off the regular trail, down to the water. Shots from here have made for some great new prints.

I’m at the beginning of medical leave from work. When death becomes the only sure rescue from what your mind endures, I’d say it’s beyond burnout. I wish I’d said something sooner, but we’re trained to minimize problems and suffer on and on no matter what. Now I don’t care what happens to me, for what I’ll miss or for what’s left unfinished. I have a long way back.

Like Its Deserved – NPR Tiny Desk 2026

Posted on by Allyson

My first for the contest with acoustic guitar. Not perfect but I needed to share it. The video was recorded last year before life got so chaotic. I want to return to songwriting the way I did before 2025 happened. Lyrics :

Ever mindful of the ache. A feeling as a fact.
When you say tolerate this getting nowhere fast.
And it hurts like its deserved.
Like death to all you are and ever were, ever were.

What can I do? Where can I go
Beyond this breath – this blood and bone?
Never worth it. Not my turn.
No one willing. Loveless learned.

And it hurts like its deserved.
Given losing lost my nerve.

Why stay for the end? For better never born?
Survival of moments. Life is nothing more.
Why stay for the end? Failure fills up to pour.
Survival of moments. Life is nothing more.

And it hurts like nothing worse.
Like death to all you are and ever were, ever were.
It always hurts.
Always hurts.
It always hurts.
And always deserved.
Always deserved.

A Death.

Posted on by Allyson

My father has died. I found out the night of my last post. I’m on bereavement leave right now, not looking forward to going back to work of any kind. Some family has reached out. With others, we’re out of sight-out of mind. No matter who is there though, this feels very lonely. I want closeness with those of us left, but our relationships are complicated. It doesn’t matter, but still does.

It’s All Blue

Posted on by Allyson

Photo taken on a walk at the trail.

I’ve had the past week off work and have accomplished much of what I wanted. Wishing I’d made it two weeks for how much I don’t want to go back, but I’m solid in the decision to leave. It may be messy but remaining in a harmful environment until the time is “just right” isn’t realistic at this point.

Wandering

Posted on by Allyson

During a session I spoke about how I’ve felt like I’ve been flying above searching for a safe place to land. And as I grow tired, I’ll eventually drop from the sky to my death. This vision is what the lyrics are about. The piano arrangement came first and I sat it aside about 5 years until I finally worked it out with vocals.

I took flight a lifetime ago.
Through storm after storm and the impossible
With no question of my strength.
Survival I can’t shake, ever searching for home.

And if I reach, it will not be as I hoped.
And I will be no less here alone

Wandering loss of time.
Fail me, my wings may as well let me fall from the sky
As dim and dying light.
I only ever had the heart to try.

And if I reach, it will not be as I hoped
And I will be no less here alone.
I took flight a lifetime ago
Ever searching and searching for home.
I took flight a lifetime ago.
Ever searching for home.

To Move Past Life

Posted on by Allyson

My birthday came and went this year. It’s settled in just how much of an afterthought I am to others in this life. There has never been much of an effort to remember me. My 36th year will be for letting go, forgetting more, leaving behind what disturbs my soul too much and wrapping up my long term plans. We get tired of always needing a reason.