And never will work…

41442819602_ba3885bd4a– You tell me “Let go.
God will show. Have some hope. Be grateful.”
But I know it never did and never will work.
I feel cold. I sink low.
The shadow of fear grows.
There is no way to hold without hurt.
It never was and never will be worth
one more day. –

There is no point. Why suffer the loneliness anymore when I have a chance to decide when it ends? I really want it to end.

On Your Behalf

S6308616 1b

I don’t know where the exact idea for this painting came from, but it’s a personal favorite. It has meaning to me. I’m a perfectionist and constantly want to do things in the right way, no room for mistakes. So when I inevitably fail to be “perfect”, whatever that may mean,  punishing myself for it comes to mind. Having to pay for this failure in a painful way that will leave a mark and never let me forget. I feel like my every action is being judged and if I don’t pay for the things I do wrong then even worse things will happen. Crazy right? That’s why I’ve been in therapy forever…lol

A take away…

I used to not care at all to paint landscapes, but I’ve recently gained a much better appreciation for the focus of painting them. I’m currently sketching a mountain scene from a nature photography book I want to paint a variation of. It’s funny that I’m around people all the time all day, but still cannot shake the loneliness I feel constantly.