Art, Photos, Music, some thoughts…
Slowly getting back to editing my trail photos. I’ll add more to my shop as I go. Beyond that…I’m really enjoying the new Evanescence album Sanctuary. It offers safety where I’ve become so frustrated with my life and the strange, uncomfortable thing it feels like to me right now. So anyway. New music of my own finally coming together in an album soon too. Good work to keep me busy.
If you’ve been in this space before, you get it. “The heaven you thought up is wasted. The purpose is suffer and die.” I recorded this October of last year. Not as hopeless presently, but it comes and goes and I never forget.
Lyrics:
Silver needle to the eyes.
See it better when you’re blind.
This life like a penny at the bottom of a drawer.
Forgettable worth of which we don’t need more.
Just the idea of heartbeat –
Another living thing that breathes.
And what it needs goes far beyond
what good pretends to be.
And I promise you no one will make it.
I promise you no one is right.
The heaven you thought up is wasted.
The purpose is suffer and die.
What taught you to smother your light?
To protect the lies at your ear?
How to injure to quiet these cries?
Survival of nothing but fear.
And however else could you stay?
However else are you here?
This sorry excuse will call itself brave
with the void of all hope ever near.
And I promise you no one will make it.
I promise you no one is right.
The heaven you thought up is wasted.
The purpose…
I promise you no one will make it.
I promise you no one is right.
The heaven you thought up is wasted.
The purpose is suffer and die.
The purpose is suffer and die.
These are the pieces I worked on while on medical leave from my previous job from the end of March and all through April. I started a new position a week ago doing something totally different. It’s for half the pay and in a warehouse environment, but I think I’m where I need to be for the time being. A job is a job and so far no one is mistreating me. As for the art, I allowed myself to be messy to see where new ideas would take me. I got the spark I needed.
“To Save Oneself” A collage on a cardboard bust I got from an antique store maybe 10 years ago now. It’s a companion piece to the “Survival Hurts” collage from last year.
Abandonment and unworthiness are sometimes hard for me to describe. This song “Watching the Door” is from sitting with these feelings and how they’ve shown in my life. It looks like watching a door waiting for someone to come back and remember I’m still here, but they never return. Lyrics:
To cringe at the sound and look of a word
Is a buried, deeply secret hurt.
When love the other lost your turn
And love for oneself seems absurd.
So absurd.
Something I’ve suffered to earn-
This loss in all remaining worth,
Because if one matters there is concern.
If no matter, there’s no return.
And I was one watching the door.
I was nothing to come back for.
Forget me weighs down the worst.
Eternal cold of a spirit cursed.
Because if one matters there is concern.
If no matter, there’s no return.
And I was one watching the door
As no one to come back for.
If no matter, there’s no return.
I, no one to come back for.
Nothing I needed more.
I, no one to come back for.
If no matter, there’s no return.
I, no one to come back for.
I, no one to come back for.
I, no one to come back for.
I went off the regular trail, down to the water. Shots from here have made for some great new prints.
I’m at the beginning of medical leave from work. When death becomes the only sure rescue from what your mind endures, I’d say it’s beyond burnout. I wish I’d said something sooner, but we’re trained to minimize problems and suffer on and on no matter what. Now I don’t care what happens to me, for what I’ll miss or for what’s left unfinished. I have a long way back.
This painting was finished a few days before I learned my father died back in November. The sketch I’d thought was going in the trash, but I forced myself to follow through with it. I hope one day to understand what it means.
My first for the contest with acoustic guitar. Not perfect but I needed to share it. The video was recorded last year before life got so chaotic. I want to return to songwriting the way I did before 2025 happened. Lyrics :
Ever mindful of the ache. A feeling as a fact.
When you say tolerate this getting nowhere fast.
And it hurts like its deserved.
Like death to all you are and ever were, ever were.
What can I do? Where can I go
Beyond this breath – this blood and bone?
Never worth it. Not my turn.
No one willing. Loveless learned.
And it hurts like its deserved.
Given losing lost my nerve.
Why stay for the end? For better never born?
Survival of moments. Life is nothing more.
Why stay for the end? Failure fills up to pour.
Survival of moments. Life is nothing more.
And it hurts like nothing worse.
Like death to all you are and ever were, ever were.
It always hurts.
Always hurts.
It always hurts.
And always deserved.
Always deserved.
My father has died. I found out the night of my last post. I’m on bereavement leave right now, not looking forward to going back to work of any kind. Some family has reached out. With others, we’re out of sight-out of mind. No matter who is there though, this feels very lonely. I want closeness with those of us left, but our relationships are complicated. It doesn’t matter, but still does.
Photo taken on a walk at the trail.
I’ve had the past week off work and have accomplished much of what I wanted. Wishing I’d made it two weeks for how much I don’t want to go back, but I’m solid in the decision to leave. It may be messy but remaining in a harmful environment until the time is “just right” isn’t realistic at this point.
Allyson Marie Arts 