Tag: depression

Devil Given Wish – Piano / Voice

Posted on by Allyson

I recorded this back in early winter. The song sums up how it’s been carrying myself through this suicidal burnout hoping for “things to get better”. When who you really are is so incongruent with the role you play in this reality…I’ve learned a greater depth I’m pulling myself out of.

Do a sweep. World to the trash.
Light it up. The fun we’ve had.
All the work never done, be proud.
The rise of flames in the pit breathe loud.

I am mistaken as something good.
Advantage I’d take if I could,
Or wanted any life beyond.
But I am in the grave – a deep, dark way.
Whatever you hope I am is out of place.

And all the fear in mind dismissed.
Don’t ask me to try again.
I will not give. I won’t go back.
I will not wait and I won’t ask.

Burned out and far past daydream final acts.
Far beyond efforts to fit where I don’t match.
No and the upset is all the life I’ve ever had.
The years left settle like dregs of the past.
Like cold tears in cold blood until the unforgiving last.

I swear it doesn’t matter. My blade given bliss.
Familiar won’t remember. Tomorrow will not miss.
I swear it doesn’t matter. The heart I rend to bits
And scatter to hell forever more. Devil given wish.

Tomorrow will not miss.

New Album – The Taken Life

Posted on by Allyson

What is it like to grieve the better person you were and may have become? These songs were written while navigating a very difficult transition with much loss. I was changed in ways I wish I hadn’t been. This album is the sound of a soul healing with unsightly scars, but healing nonetheless.

Bandcamp: https://allysonmarie.bandcamp.com/album/the-taken-life

Spotify : https://open.spotify.com/album/2Z2N5lC0L8bolkH7lAKDvK?si=clftE_6FS_S–ncBTiEtgg

Song Release -Possession

Posted on by Allyson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Original song mixed / mastered. My favorite from the next album of songs and so fitting for my current state and times.

Lyrics

Before stepping off the ledge,
Screams every moment was hell.
“Never give up!” didn’t save this one
If so little were enough.

The sordid goodwill of the rest.
Forget what better angel says.
Take ownership of the cruel intent.
You favor leaving all for dead.

Yes, we take what we can get.
No spill of blood carries regret.
Go too far – over your head,
But keep going. Devil knows best.
Possession – a wish for death.
Far better fit than human.
Deeper go cuts than bruises.
A use given to useless.

The sordid goodwill of the rest.
Forget what better angel says.
Take ownership of the cruel intent.
You favor leaving all for dead.

Before stepping off the ledge,
You scream every moment was hell.
“Never give up!” didn’t save this one.
So little is never enough.

The sordid goodwill of the rest.
Forget what better angel says.
Take ownership of the cruel intent.
You favor leaving all for dead.

Before stepping off the ledge,
Screams every moment was hell.
“Never give up!” didn’t save this one
So little is never enough.

How Indeed – guitar / voice original

Posted on by Allyson

I wrote this song leading up to my departure from a very toxic work environment that changed me in ways I wish it hadn’t.

———–

Chose not to remember.
Won’t thank you for what you gave.
How indeed I’ve made it.
Kept myself an empty space.

Of course there is no knowing. But then again, there is.
Nothing about what I am was made for the surface.
Every breath scrapes the vessel walls, worn thin.
This unwilling arrival. The way hell was forced in.
Refuse weighing down my bones –
Voice bending bloody tones-
Quiet obedience set flames to all I know.
The sickness has grown bold.
Not about to say it’s okay, making it this far.
Not the heinous crime I needed stabbing at my heart.
Not about to say it’s settled and life is just too hard.
I implore the soul of all creation: tear this world apart.
Tear us apart.

I will not remember and never took what you gave.
How indeed I make it.
Keep myself an empty space.

Changing Views

Posted on by Allyson

I used the mats from these 8 x 8 frames I bought for my coffee filter flowers and covered them with the remaining filter scraps. I had a few mirror shards left too and threw them in a few of these. Trying to turn something unwanted into a little less useless. I’m hesitant to start anything else now. Lack of time with work and the pointlessness of this day to day thing is weighing down.

See What Goes Wrong

Posted on by Allyson

This painting is small, 6in x 4in I think. Not sure I even have it anymore, but I think I understand what I was trying to say now when it was made. It is painful watching efforts come to nothing again and again. Things go wrong, then keep going wrong whether one can handle it or not. I hate it here most of the time, for real.

Every Single Moment Hurt – Original song

Posted on by Allyson

Recorded back in September.

Lyrics:

Haunted by the first. Give more blood than it’s worth.
A worried heartbeat set to burst,
And every single moment hurts.

Have mercy! Take the rest away.
Tomorrow need not know the shame.
How my days live for the night.
The ice to a carving knife.
And there’s no safer place.
This world I can’t take.

I know happier life died at my birth.
It’s this unspoken pain I serve.
All along, gathering nerve to breathe the flames.
You watch me burn.

As settled ashes, I’ll return.
The never here at all I’ve earned.
The unspoken pain I serve.
How every single moment hurt.

Every single moment hurt.
The never here at all…never here at all I’ve earned.

No One Escapes

Posted on by Allyson

“Her killing rage no one escapes.” I’ve got a little story in my head about this piece. I image this character towering over the world, breathing out flames to engulf all of human creation. On good days, there is a clearing for new life to begin again. On other days, our world goes dark and stays quiet that way until the universe ends. The painting is an expression of rage I feel better for and understand myself better through the work of it. I also really enjoyed another moment to use my neon pink…lol