Art, Photos, Music, some thoughts…
My birthday came and went this year. It’s settled in just how much of an afterthought I am to others in this life. There has never been much of an effort to remember me. My 36th year will be for letting go, forgetting more, leaving behind what disturbs my soul too much and wrapping up my long term plans. We get tired of always needing a reason.
Paper collage. I was trying out a different layout and coloring technique. Didn’t turn out as planned, but I still like it.
A collage using coffee filter paper and washable markers. It’s 25’’x 22’’in size and took several weekends, but I’m really happy with it and love how striking it is on my wall. I’ve added a print version with customizable sizes to my shop: https://www.zazzle.com/survival_hurts_poster-256815126151224122
New watercolor paintings. I wanted to get back to using watercolor just for a change. I don’t control it well and feel clueless attempting the paint with it, but that is the point. Freehand paintings have a life of their own and I think watercolor goes well for when you don’t have a plan or want a plan. I just want feeling. Anything more, like making sense somehow, is nice too.
Acrylic on canvas. The neon paints I used don’t come across well via camera, but it really pops out on the wall I’ve put it up. I think this piece reflects well how off and out of place I feel in my current role of employment. A square can’t fit a circle. How I am is not going to be appreciated where I’ve put myself. So naturally, I’ve got to go and sooner rather than later.
Several months it’s taken for me to understand this piece after finishing it. I see something of light and glory now weakened, wounded and burning out with nothing coming to save it. Exactly where I’ve found myself. Waiting to extinguish.
The Loss of You – Last vocal track from the new album. This video I held onto for nearly 3yrs. The fear of losing and constant grief we carry wears you out. But the word “temporary” has been in mind a lot these days. Helps lessen the weight of my heavy sighs and exhaustion. I don’t have to be strong forever.
Lyrics :
Early on I felt the hours.
I knew what they would do.
Trade these years that separate.
All mine for yours – for you.
A this for that revealing my power to choose
Death over enduring what I fear to lose.
Can’t you stay? I beg.
What prayer would it take? I beg.
I want nothing more than you
Held in my strength again.
But I break, in quiet grief. Sick with unease.
There’s no convincing my way through
Enduring the loss of you.
Another night in heavy gloom.
Is there nothing more I can do?
Another night of heart felt doom.
Is there nothing I can do?
No convincing my way through
The loss of you.
No convincing my way through
The loss of you.
My entry for the NRP Tiny Desk contest this year. While writing, I thought about how it never seems to be the “right time” to implement solutions to problems, societal or personal. Being without courage to try at solutions, even if it fails, I think can do even greater harm. My feelings found a place in this song. Lyrics below – Youtube video link
Weight of an ocean I carry by the neck.
All the human moments I collect.
A prayer full of grief to the god of all gods.
Show me why you bothered.
Our purpose long lost.
Meaningful mistake, be the faith of a life.
Distract the emptiness piercing inside.
I know it’s our way – everything just survives.
Taking up space – getting born to die.
With no aversion, as life is loss.
Numb to the ruin our sacrifice cost.
Is it all instinct or suffering we choose?
Insisting you are exception to the rule.
As disengaged. As cold and cruel.
Selfish wants are the best you can do.
Lean into it. Laugh out loud.
Like the wall of a grave hold safe and sound,
The time for truth is never now.
Is never courage ever found?
Lean into it. Laugh out loud.
The time for truth is never now.
Like the walls of a grave hold safe and sound,
The time for truth is never now.
What is it like to grieve the better person you were and may have become? These songs were written while navigating a very difficult transition with much loss. I was changed in ways I wish I hadn’t been. This album is the sound of a soul healing with unsightly scars, but healing nonetheless.
Bandcamp: https://allysonmarie.bandcamp.com/album/the-taken-life
Spotify : https://open.spotify.com/album/2Z2N5lC0L8bolkH7lAKDvK?si=clftE_6FS_S–ncBTiEtgg
“Into the woods, by the water, in the weeds.
Beneath a dark blanket of trees.
Soul is tired saving self…
Some lives here are worse than death.”
One of my trail photos. I feel welcome there most of all.
Allyson Marie Arts 